What hurts the most
I was giving an interview with Selene from The Metro the other day. We had been talking about the new record, and the conversation turned towards criticism - how it affects our music, or me in general. We spoke a bit about how it is such a pitfall to turn toward critics to shape your music. The conversation then lead me to realize this duality that seems to live inside of me: the fact that I deeply care about what people think, yet don't give a fuck what people think...and the surprising notion that these two feelings co-exist inside of me, simultaneously.
This realization took me aback; such cognitive dissonance! How could I not care what people thought, yet fear a negative album review, or more so, fear, so much so, the disapproval of my peers? It seems like such a contradiction, and also an afront to everything I believe - my ethos: I always wanted to make music I wanted to make, regardless of public opinion, regardless of whatever was cool.
It seems like an obnoxious way to think, this idea of turning your back on the audience. After all, isn't it they who hold the key to your success? Shouldn't any artist feel obligated to give yield to the demand of their fans? To feel like they owe the fans something in return for the support that said fans haven given over the years? I feel that the only way I can answer this question is with a resounding "YES!" However, this comes with a serious caveat: What I owe to the fans more than anything is to NOT listen to them.
Perplexing as it may be - that ultimately is what your fans TRULY want: they want the experience of experiencing things THROUGH you, the artist. They don't want you to talk about their lives - they want you to talk about your life, and when it happens to shadow what they are going through, that's when the connection with the artist is made. I don't want to hear Thom Yorke singing about my problems - I want to hear Thom Yorke sing about his problems - and when I have the same problem, I feel connected to him, I feel human. We all want this connection.
Further more, if we listen to fans, which fan do we listen to? I have fans tell me that they want us to play 'Dance and Holler' - and if we played it 12 times in one set, and not one other song, they would be happy....or I've had fans tell me that song is the time in the our set when they go get a beer. So who do I listen to?
No one. The answer is no one. You can't make everyone happy, you can only try to make yourself happy, which leads me back to my original point - if I am trying to just make myself happy, then why do I care so much about what other people say about the record? Why, if I am only trying to please myself, make a record that I like, to make make MYSELF happy - then why do I fear other opinion? Well, as I was talking to Selene the truth hit me: I am not happy with myself.
I hate my voice, I hate the way I look, I hate so much about what I do - but not in a silly superficial way, in a good way: in a way that keeps me striving to be better, to be a better performer, to be a better person, to be a better son, to be a better ANYTHING. All these fears, these short-comings, these things that I dislike about myself is TRULY what I am afraid of.
When some critic claims that the record is dull- FUCK him (I'm pretending the critic is a guy). Fuck him - I don't really give a shit that some dude I never met thinks the record is dull, because I don't think that the record is dull. I don't mean that in a mad aggressive way; I could still be friends with someone that doesn't like the record, what I mean to say is that I don't really give a shit about their opinion of it. However, if someone says "The record is great, but the lead singer has a whiny voice that ruins it". Then - oh no.
Yet, it isn't because I care what they think - it's because that's what I think. Deep down, my deepest fears, my nightly prayers that no one notices...and no! This critic caught me, he found me out...
The hardest criticism to hear is the criticism that reflects what you fear the most about yourself. When someone agrees with the things that I fear the most about myself, when someone calls it out, it sends shivers down my spine, it resonates with me and all the shortcomings I've ever had, all the weaknesses I've ever had, and most importantly: all the things about myself that I fear the most. It is this, that causes the duality.
The harshest critic is me - and when I see the words written out loud, in print, as if the critic, like some sort of medium, channeled all the ghosts that haunt me, that haunt my dreams - it scares the hell out of me. It is the ying and yang of all of me. Why I couldn't give a fuck what someone says one time, yet other times, it cuts me to the bone. This reflection of myself and my shortcomings in others:
That is what hurts the most.
This realization took me aback; such cognitive dissonance! How could I not care what people thought, yet fear a negative album review, or more so, fear, so much so, the disapproval of my peers? It seems like such a contradiction, and also an afront to everything I believe - my ethos: I always wanted to make music I wanted to make, regardless of public opinion, regardless of whatever was cool.
It seems like an obnoxious way to think, this idea of turning your back on the audience. After all, isn't it they who hold the key to your success? Shouldn't any artist feel obligated to give yield to the demand of their fans? To feel like they owe the fans something in return for the support that said fans haven given over the years? I feel that the only way I can answer this question is with a resounding "YES!" However, this comes with a serious caveat: What I owe to the fans more than anything is to NOT listen to them.
Perplexing as it may be - that ultimately is what your fans TRULY want: they want the experience of experiencing things THROUGH you, the artist. They don't want you to talk about their lives - they want you to talk about your life, and when it happens to shadow what they are going through, that's when the connection with the artist is made. I don't want to hear Thom Yorke singing about my problems - I want to hear Thom Yorke sing about his problems - and when I have the same problem, I feel connected to him, I feel human. We all want this connection.
Further more, if we listen to fans, which fan do we listen to? I have fans tell me that they want us to play 'Dance and Holler' - and if we played it 12 times in one set, and not one other song, they would be happy....or I've had fans tell me that song is the time in the our set when they go get a beer. So who do I listen to?
No one. The answer is no one. You can't make everyone happy, you can only try to make yourself happy, which leads me back to my original point - if I am trying to just make myself happy, then why do I care so much about what other people say about the record? Why, if I am only trying to please myself, make a record that I like, to make make MYSELF happy - then why do I fear other opinion? Well, as I was talking to Selene the truth hit me: I am not happy with myself.
I hate my voice, I hate the way I look, I hate so much about what I do - but not in a silly superficial way, in a good way: in a way that keeps me striving to be better, to be a better performer, to be a better person, to be a better son, to be a better ANYTHING. All these fears, these short-comings, these things that I dislike about myself is TRULY what I am afraid of.
When some critic claims that the record is dull- FUCK him (I'm pretending the critic is a guy). Fuck him - I don't really give a shit that some dude I never met thinks the record is dull, because I don't think that the record is dull. I don't mean that in a mad aggressive way; I could still be friends with someone that doesn't like the record, what I mean to say is that I don't really give a shit about their opinion of it. However, if someone says "The record is great, but the lead singer has a whiny voice that ruins it". Then - oh no.
Yet, it isn't because I care what they think - it's because that's what I think. Deep down, my deepest fears, my nightly prayers that no one notices...and no! This critic caught me, he found me out...
The hardest criticism to hear is the criticism that reflects what you fear the most about yourself. When someone agrees with the things that I fear the most about myself, when someone calls it out, it sends shivers down my spine, it resonates with me and all the shortcomings I've ever had, all the weaknesses I've ever had, and most importantly: all the things about myself that I fear the most. It is this, that causes the duality.
The harshest critic is me - and when I see the words written out loud, in print, as if the critic, like some sort of medium, channeled all the ghosts that haunt me, that haunt my dreams - it scares the hell out of me. It is the ying and yang of all of me. Why I couldn't give a fuck what someone says one time, yet other times, it cuts me to the bone. This reflection of myself and my shortcomings in others:
That is what hurts the most.
2 Comments:
I think you have a lovely voice!
But please don't make Kyle sing more than he has to. I fear his anxiety will cause him to pee his pants.
you're a victim of post-modernism.
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